Secret Service Fires Orangutoid

WASHINGTON DC - Secret Service agents shot and killed a rare orangutoid presidential candidate after a 74 year-old socialist slipped into its enclosure, triggering an outcry over how the situation was handled.

Cellphone footage shot by a witness shows the 69-year-old male orangeback standing ominously over the socialist, who went under a railing, through wires, and over a moat wall to get within debating distance of the peach-colored primate. The video later shows the animal dragging the socialist through the mud as the clamor of the crowd grows louder.
    Agents then shot the 220-pound lowlife orangutan with a rifle, rather than tranquilizing him.
    "Tranquilizers do not take effect for several minutes and the American people were in imminent danger of another highly rated but ultimately useless sideshow. On top of that, the impact from the dart could agitate the animal and make the situation even worse," said Secret Service spokesman Heywood Yashudup, “like he could start tweeting again. Ultimately we have to protect not only the candidates, but the dignity of the American electoral system."
    At that, hordes of the orangutan's supporters surged past the barricades and devoured the spokesman and parts of the podium as followers of the socialist began busily posting online petitions and doctoring old Youtube videos about the 1994 crime bill.