Scalia Returns From Dead, Demands Reappointment
Thomas dissents: "No right to die and rise again." Ginsburg: "For Christ's sake Nino, lay down already."
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former Associate Justice of the Supreme Court Antonin Scalia reanimated today, apparently angered by President Obama's plans to nominate his replacement before leaving office and upset he was put on a waiting list for the famed Ninth Circle of Hell due to aging baby boomers and the upcoming tornado season in Oklahoma.
"I should have been sent to the front of the line for Bush v Gore alone," he bellowed to a gaggle of reporters wearing surgical masks. "Where the Heaven do they expect me to wait, with the sodomites on Seven? Please."
Scalia's former colleagues each released statements of qualified support for the resurrection but reserved judgment on his possible return to the bench, with the exception of Clarence Thomas, whose seven word dissent was followed by a six minute video of himself glaring into a mirror. Scalia opined that the absence of a conservative majority on the Court could lead to the legalization of prostitution, bestiality, and masturbation. When informed masturbation was not illegal, Scalia lunged at a reporter but had reached the end of his chain. He then retired under the porch of his family home in Alexandria to lick his privates.
Several Republican candidates for president released statements of support for reappointment, but Donald J. Trump topped them all, tweeting, "Not only will I reappoint Scalia, I'll dig up Rehnquist and make Ginsburg pay for the shovels. #MakeScaliaHateAgain."
President Obama was noncommittal on reappointment. "If he brings me back a snowball, we'll talk."